Orcs and Goblins vs. High Elves and Dwarfs

Lords

Black Orc Warboss Jaws Dungthrowa: sword of bloodshed, ironcurse icon, effigy of mork, heavy armor, shield

Goblin Great Shaman Waaaghlter Elfshmusha: level 4, dispel scroll, staff of sneaky stealing, amulet of protectyness

Heroes

Orc Big Boss Durk Steerfoot: boar chariot with extra orc, the other trickster’s shard, shield of ptolos, shield, light armor, (forgot about his shield)

Goblin big boss Dug da dogcatcha: wolf chariot with extra wolf, tricksy trinket, spiteful shield. (forgot about tricksy trinket instead thought he had the protectyness)

Goblin Battle standard bearer Shank bugbita: spider banner, light armor (forgot to pay points for bsb ability)

Rare:

2 Doom divers

1 troll

Special:

30 Black orcs full command with mork’s spirit totem,

2 doom divers

Core:

45 night goblins with spears, full command, 1 fanatic (forgot about him) and nets

45 night goblins with bows, full command and 3 fanatics

20 Big’Uns with shields, full command, and gleaming pennant (forgot about this too.)

42 Savage Orcs with shields, full command, (I thought I had given them spears, choppas may have been better anyway.)

5 wolf riders

5 spider riders

“waddaya mean we’re outta beer?” Jaws bellowed.

“you drank the last of it last night boss.” Squeeked the goblin.

“Last night! Waddaya think I don’t see you after I’m passed out? Yous drank the last of the beer you and yer little…. Jaws trailed off into angry incoherency. “Well, don’t just stand there get me some more beer!”

Jaws Dungthrower, warboss of waagh Gold tooF, was thirsty. He and his boyz had been left to hold base camp while Zork Rumpscratcha flew around the countryside on his wyvern rounding up all the good gettins. Well, Jaws wasn’t going to stand for it anymore. He was intent on going and getting while the getting was good.

The goblin came back into Jaws’ tent. “Dere’s good news and dere’s bad news boss. Da good news is there’s a whole house full o’ dwarven ale a days ride west. The bad news is, it’s guarded by a dwarf garrison. Word is dey’s supplying the pointy ears with a shipment so we might have to bring along some lads to relieve them of it.”

Thane (117)

Gromril Armor w/ Rune of Stone, Hand Weapon w/ Rune of Cleaving and Rune of Fury, shield

Runelord (240)

Hand Weapon, Gromril Armor, Master Rune of Spellbinding, 2 Runes of Spellbreaking

24 Warriors (241)

Full Command, Hand Weapon, Heavy Armor, Shield

18 Longbeards (291)

Full Command, Hand Weapon, Heavy Armor, Shield

10 Thunderers (165)

Full Command, Hand Weapon, Dwarf Handgun, Light Armor

18 Miners (223)

Full Command, Hand Weapon, Pick (Great Weapon), Heavy Armor

Cannon (100) w/ Rune of Reloading

Organ Gun (120)

LORDS

Archmage Taldirath Lifebringer- Folariaths Robe, Talisman of Saphery, Silver Wand

CORE

24 Spearelves- Full Command

12 Archers- Musician

SPECIAL

12 Swordmasters

14 Phoenix Guard- Standard Bearer, Banner of Sorcery

6 Dragon Princes- Standard Bearer, Banner of Ellyrion

RARE

Great Eagle

Great Eagle

Jaws perked up “Dat’s good news and betta news. Stunties and skinnies to smash? Tell the lads to suit up at elfsmusha’s tent to get some shiny bits before we poke these stunties in the eye.”

Durk, the ugliest and stinkiest of the orcs, clad in little more than a loincloth, a shoulder pad, and a spiked gauntlet strutted over to the goblin shaman’s tent. “Gimme dat good stuff to get rid of the quiet elves.” Durk had encountered Phoenix Guard before and knew that in order to fight fire with fire you needed to get some shiny bits to take care of the elves magic defenses. Dug da dogcatcha, always walking in Durk’s wake, when he wasn’t bossing all the shorter greenskins around, just tried to copy Durk, “Yeah Waaaghlter, uh… what he said.” Pointing a fat green finger, moist with who-knows-what, in Durk’s direction.

Some rocks on strings, and two shields came flying out of the shaman’s tent. Waaaghlter didn’t usually like to talk to Dug and Durk, but he did want some ale so he threw the magic weaponry out of his tent.

The orcs and goblins marched all day to get to the settlement of order and when they got there, they were in disorder. The savage orcs had been climbing trees to get a better view of the battle field and so were delayed in actually forming up in the battle line. It’s not as if they paid much attention to orders anyway, they were crazier than a squig when it came down to it.

Dug and Durk couldn’t see the quiet elves defending the town so they didn’t rightly know where to set up to best apply their shiny bits. Jaws thought he knew though. That big mouth o’ his was workin’ overtime hollerin at the riders to get over to the left and take that cannon sittin jut outside the settlement of order. There it was right between them and the stunties and skinnies, the dwarven brewhouse. And right beside it was a stinking pit of muck and sand that it appeared to all sensibilities to be the dwarfs latrine where the effects of heavy drinking would be relieved. Jaws told Elfsmusha the shaman to occupy this marsh. When Waaaghlter raised the skin above his eyes, where eyebrows should have been, Jaws merely snapped his teeth in Waaaghlter’s direction. The shaman led his night goblin arrer boyz up to the latrine along with the army standard bearer, Shank bugbita, who basically speared a dead acromantula on long stick and called it a banner, but to good effect because it seemed that foes fell much more often to sword and arrow when Shank was with them.

Durk lined up next to the goblin archers in hopes of getting round the swamp and into the pointy ears. Jaws himself led the black orcs facing off against a stout line of stunty warriors. To their right Jaws wanted the night goblin spears to guard his flank. Orc warbosses had long ago learned to keep gobos close by in case they needed encouragement. On the right flank Jaws positioned the big-uns. A troll basically wandered in from somewhere and looked as if it might guard the big-uns flank. That is if it ever stopped playing with the dwarven statue it had picked up on the way into town. The shooty things set up shop behind a wall in the rear. Well, an impetuous goblin team set up their spear chukka on the far right hoping to get an easier shot into the flank. And one doom diver set up shop near the dwarven latrine/bog.

While Jaws was still yelling at his boys to get into position, and wondering if the savages would ever show up. The elves and dwarfs didn’t waste any time. A huge mass of seaguard came in on Jaws right flank threatening to splinter that spear chukka before it even got a chance to fire. Those big birds the elves employed just flew around everyone’s heads trying to decide what to attack first. The organ gun unloaded its maximum shots into the black orc regiment who lost several. The cannon fell short of elfsmusha’s arrer boyz. The stunties made as if to charge the black orcs but thought the better of it. The swordmasters hotfooted it into the big-uns and cut a bloody swath as 10 boyz fell. The rest of the lads ran away a couple paces.

On the left flank the spider riders were caught by surprise as the dragon princes rode through the forest like it was butter, bearing some significant banner with funky writing on it. They weren’t surprised for long because the dragon princes turned them into a red smear on the ground. This revealed to the wolf riders that a host of long beards had been hiding behind the elfish knights. Jaws hadn’t really noticed them because the stunties were kinda… stunty.

Jaws opened his mouth wide and let out a gigantic WAAAGH! Waaaghlter thought he was calling his name and so told his boyz to stay put so that he could listen to Jaws. This frustrated Jaws. The wolf riders ran around towards the cannon. In a moment of sheer bravery, quite uncommon for Dug, he decided to charge the dragon princes, and succeeded, killing three of them. Between elfsmusha’s magic, a doom diver, and his boys bows, the battlefield had one less bird flying around. The arrer boyz tried to simultaneously shoot their bows and hold their nose as they slowly waded into the cesspit of a backyard that abutted the brewhouse. Just as half the boys were knee deep in… well you know, that the fanatics popped out and mangled the dwarf warrior unit adjacent to them. Waaaghlter had given them some extra magic mushrooms to assist them in their frothing fury but they didn’t really need any help.

In the center, Jaws couldn’t sufficiently motivate the black orcs to charge or Waaagh very far but Durk and the goblins caught his drift and charged into the stunty warriors. After a bloodbath on both sides, the spear gobos decided they’d had enough and hightailed back to the black orcs flank. As they were running away one of the goblins said, “Now throw the nets.” The night goblin boss, highly peeved, responded ‘You idiot! You’re supposed to throw the nets as we get into combat, not as we’re runnin’ away.” “Sorry, boss. Won’t happen again, boss.” Came the squeaky reply. He was right, it wouldn’t happen again because the next thing he knew they had a giant feathery fiend forking gobos right and left with it’s tridentlike claws. The spear gobos decided to call it a day. They weren’t that thirsty anymore after smelling the dwarf urinary pond.

Since the stupid black orcs wouldn’t charge, Jaws had plenty of time to survey the battlefield long enough to see that the savages had finally decided to join the battle. Brilliant! Maybe all that climbing of trees and finger painting on their backsides had at least made them thirsty enough for a dwarven brew to at least get on the battlefield. “I put way to much time, effort, and loot into the hands of those savages for them to show up late or go chargin after the first thing in their sight.” Jaws mumbled to no one in particular.

The Big-uns remembered that they hadn’t had a beer in awhile and decided to turn around. The troll, for some reason understandable only to it’s grapefruit-sized brain, decided to try to crowd-surf on the seaguard. Nota bene: even trolls cannot safely charge a wall of pointy sticks, but at least the troll had held up the elves so that the spear chukka could skewer 3 or 4 swordmasters like a pointy stick through the eye. Ouch!

Jaws couldn’t quite see but it appeared as though the dwarven miners had popped out of a hole in the ground right beside the savage orcs in the middle of his backfield. The swordmasters charged the big-uns again and took out 5 more of them but this time the big-uns liked the odds and stuck around for another round after dispatching a couple more skinnies. The seaguard dismantled the rightmost spear chukka. The organ gun and the cannon continued to whittle away at the oncoming orc and goblin mobs but to little effect. The thunderers filled each fanatic full of lead in their backfield. And the final eagle cruised into combat with a doom diver in the orc and goblin backfield. The dragon princes hacked Dug’s once successful battering ram of a chariot into a mangle of wooden shards and threatened the flank of the savage orc mob.

The savages, totally unphased by the miners to their right, the dragon princes to their left and the long beards to their front, began to fight over what beer they would drink first. Would the second round be stouts or would they save the ales for later. “Save the ales!” shouted half the boys. “Stouts out!” shouted the ale lobby. And the savages continued in this fashion until the dragon princes charged them (on a latter turn.)

The wolf riders marched to within smelling distance of the dwarven cannon, who appeared to be loading grapeshot at this point. The black orcs routed the dwarf warriors, (of whom only the thane remained) and subsequently charged the thunderers. The big-uns routed the sword masters, of whom only one remained. The big-bird routed the doom diver in the backfield and ran into the spear chukka. The dragon princes charged the savages and were repelled and caught. But now it looked like the savages would have to deal with both the longbeards and the miners by themselves. And grapeshot killed all but one of the wolf riders, who thought to himself…I’ve made it this far, I may as well try to stuff a stunty down the barrel of his own cannon.

Jaws charged his depleted black orcs into the thunderers and decimated them. He did this in part to avoid charging the phoenix guard of whom he was a little gun-shy. The free standing thane finally fell to a goblin warmachine on a lucky shot and unlucky save. Either that or he was beaten to a glowing pulp by the fists of gork but Jaws really couldn’t keep track of such things. All he knew was that the Thane was dead. The lone goblin wolf rider, I think his name was Scronny, couldn’t quite muster the hutspa to put a wound on the cannon. He was killed for his failure. Meanwhile a little goblin manning the spear chukka managed to fend off the big bird for a little while.

Then the longbeards and miners led a successful coordinated attack to send the savage running back to the trees. The phoenix guard turned to take a charge from the now depleted black orcs. And what was left of the allied forces began to coalesce around the center of the field.

The black orcs charged the phoenix guard. So intent was Jaws on cleaving though as many phoenix guard as he could that he didn’t bother to challenge the champion or egg-on his black orc boss to take him on. Jaws was about to lay into the silent skinnies when the archmage Taldirath Lifebringer manoevered to stand before him. “Your marauding days are at an end. Too long you have escaped the arm of the justice and I have come to issue your death warrant. Your day of judgment has come.” Jaws snapped back “I will half you elf.” “You may try,” came the balanced reply. With that Jaws brought down his might sword of bloodshed on the elf. But the full force of his blow was rebounded. His sword bounced as if it had hit a solid rock wall but all he had hit was Taldirath’s robe. Jaws set his eyes in a grimace and rained blow after blow on the robe of the elf, but each strike bounced as it hit the robe. But the robe moved freely and even fluttered if the wind caught it. Jaws wailed “Some tricksy magic is here! SHAMAN! WAAAGHLTER!”

Waaaghlter, who had tried desperately all battle to entreat the hand of Mork to squish that skinny elf Taldirath into a mess, had been unsuccessful. So now when he heard Jaws calling for his assistance he didn’t think he would be able to be of much help. This elf was too tricksy. But the elfsmusha mustered his boys and charged out of the quagmire and into the flank of the phoenix guard. Only a few blows were landed by the goblins but it was enough. The silent elves were unnerved either by the poisonous attacks of the goblin weaponry, the bellowing of jaws, the bloody swaths of the black orc choppas or… maybe it was that awful stench arising from the lower half of over forty night goblins who’d been standing in the latrine too long. With a flourish of his robe Taldirath motioned his entourage to make a strategic retreat. But it was not to be strategic for such was the anger of Jaws that he and his black orcs ran down every single phoenix guard. Taldirath, well, who knows what happened to him.

“Beer!” shouted jaws as he flung the doors of the brewhouse. “Let’s just drink the stout. Save the ales.” Said a goblin. And then the fighting started again.